26

Today... as of about half an hour ago... is the 26th of April, 2008. I was born on the 26th of April, 1982. (The circumstances of my birth were somewhat odd, like most things about me... my mum didn't know she was pregnant with me (despite being as thin as me, which is very thin) until about a month before I was born, which was over a month prematurely - I was born on the day before the day she was due to have her first antenatal class. She didn't think there was a possibility of her being pregnant because a doctor had told her she was infertile (doh). And they had to use forceps to get me out, which i can't help wondering might have been a contributory factor to the autism (although there are clear traits in both sides of the family... but, AFAIK, no one before me with enough or disabling enough traits to merit a diagnosis), as well as to my somewhat small and narrowly proportioned head. And, y'know, the possible links between premature or otherwise unusual births and autism are an area that, AFAIK, hasn't been seriously explored...)

Anyway, this is the only time in my life that my age yesterday was the same as the day of the month yesterday, and my age today is the same as the day of the month today. Which feels like it should have some significance, but i'm not quite sure what.

A year ago, i felt like there should have been some meaningful significance to the quarter-of-a-century figure, 25... some extra layer of "adulthood", or something. Now it just feels depressing that i am now clearly, unequivocally past that figure, and yet no more, in any meaningful sense, of an "adult" than before. Most of the time i still feel like i am in my early teens, and i still catch myself seeing groups of teenagers in the street and thinking of them as "about my age"... then realising i am divided from them by 10 years or more of basically-having-achieved-nothing... at least, in the part of my brain that ranks "maturity" by some kind of "normal" (or should that be "normative"?) progression through life - qualities like confidence, charisma, "life experience", and that undefinable thing called "authority" (not in the political sense, which as an anarchist i know i don't believe in, but in the most basic sense of being worthy of being listened to, deferred to at least in matters primarily concerning one's own life, and given "respect"), which it is expected for people to develop in those years of life, and yet which i am painfully aware that i don't have.

I am 26 and I have probably less relationship experience than the average 16 year old - and the single, desperately passionate and intense yet, in retrospect, shamefully awkward and inept sexual relationship I have had lasted 3 months, and was over 5 years ago - which is 5 years of nothing whatsoever to show for myself, of slowly but inexorably approaching the point of "accepting" that i will never find any kind of relationship, nor be found attractive by anyone, other than that one, never to be repeated fluke.

And yet... while this reads like a highly depressing post (possibly because I am slightly drunk), I am feeling some hope that the next year might be one in which i can make somthing of my life. There are really exciting projects happening which i am a part of - in fact, which several of the other people involved seem to think I am the primary, central person in (which is pretty scary in itself, since i'm really, really not sure at all that that's true). And i am in the middle of moving house, which, while a highly stressful and exhausting experience (not least because of cutting me off from the internet for an uncertain period of time), is getting me out of a situation which i really, really needed to get out of, and putting me into one which, while almost certainly not what i want from life in the long long term, is at least one in which i can (perhaps) have the space to begin to sort out some of the key questions - who and what i really am, what i can contribute to life without losing too much in exchange for it, how much interaction with other people i can "safely" cope with, and if there really is a long term purpose to my life.

(Yes, there are a lot of other stresses, worries and disappointments in my life right now, including a few that have happened in the last few days - such as losing the opportunity to earn £150 in an hour's work by accessibility-testing a website because my computer broke down (I am now posting from the new one which I have been given, currently at my brother's house, but hopefully soon to be installed in my new flat) - which could have enabled me for definite to go to Autscape - however, i also recieved an email today saying that the Autscape organisers want me to run the workshop i proposed to them, with some alterations - which would involve me faclitating a panel discussion, something i have never done before, as well as doing a lot of research into the subject it's about (the relationship between the autistic rights/advocacy movement and the wider disaility movement)... but is pretty cool, if a bit scary... and some other things... but, despite feeling highly overwhelmed overall, i'm still feeling like the positive at least has a good chance of outweighing the negative... and i have stuff to say about the seasons of the year, and just how tied into them my emotions are, but that's for another post...)

Some very valued friends have also recently proven that they genuinely do care about me, and while i could do with a bit more of that, it's enough to give me at least a stick, if not much more of a weapon, to try to fight off the part of me that says "no one could possibly really care about you, and anyone who says they do is clearly just pretending, either out of politeness or some purpose of their own to either explout or make fun out of me"... which, i think, will always be there, to a greater or lesser extent, but, well, at least now has some challengers.

So, to all the real friends i have (not wanting to list, because i feel like that would devalue the individual nature of each friendship - if you are reading this, you know who you are) - i just want to say - you are gorgeous and wonderful, and i love you.

Anyway... this is not the post i intended to write when i started writing it, but it's... something. And i will probably regret posting this in the morning, but... whatever. Somehow or other - certainly not by deliberate design - I have managed to stay alive for 26 years. I will leave it to those, if there are any, who my life affects to judge if that is worth celebrating.